swoob&swass

Today I, along with three other older girls, went to scrimmage our highschool girls basketball team.

Talk about a workout. So draining but very worth the sweat.

Hope your Christmas Eve & Christmas Day were fantastic. Don't mean to brag but my days were filled with much love, laughter & food. I loved EVERY minute. To top it off I was able to snuggle and rock the youngest cousin to sleep--my favorite <3

The top pictures of my two family Christmas'
a. She cried because she couldn't be with Chance in the family picture. Too adorable.

b. He picked his nose--all day. Couldn't help but laugh when mom caught this on film : )

A.

B.

Tom&Jerry's-Playstation360-Fondue-Family

The five of us did Christmas at home tonight. It was so great to not worry about anything but food, love & presents of course!  The gift to the family was a Playstation 360--talk about fun! Volleyball can be destructive with a not-so-high ceiling. But so so so worth it. We had lots of smiles & laughs and nothing is better than those two together.  Tomorrow we go to Dad's side of the family right down the road and Saturday to Grandma's. More than ready for my lovely family for the next two days!
p.s. I know it's a little late-but was too adorable not to show!
My sister and I got a little bored yesterday so we took pictures : )

p.s.s. I may or may not want to be this couple in the future...

Today's Agenda

Long Time, No See

HOME:

It has kept me busy.

It has kept me thinking.

   

1. Had a run-in with my emotions this past weekend.
2. Close to three months went by without a word & then I get a hug.
3. Not sure where that comes in but tryin like hell to get it outta my head.
4. You make me weak in the knees still.
5. "You Are STRONGER" (I say to myself)

Cousins--minus 6 of us

My family is my ROCK. 

We had an amazing Sunday filled with ugly sweaters, sledding, snowmobiling & best of all laughter of the greatest degree.

Yes, I love them & they love me.

I've got friends in all the right places

Sleep-over tomorrow night! She has been one of the saving graces for me thus far & will be for a lonnng time. <3 her.

It is going to be so different without my girls and even some of the guys that I've become closer friends with.  Three weeks is going to feel like forever for me. 

• I will be open these next couple of weeks.
• I will go out & have fun for myself
• I will spread love to all those who are true to me. 

Be Yourself

Had to try out posing--so very unprofessional but fun. & that's all that matters right here, right now.

it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.  ~e.e. cummings

Good Night to All, & to All a Good Night

 

Finals

Instead of studying at all yesterday I bought these

<-------

So excited to pair them with my new outfit!

It seems like it was just a few weeks ago that I loaded up my car to come back here-

& now I'm not sure if I even want to leave, if only for a week or two. 

My girls are true friends and that's what I both want as well as need. I don't know what I would do without any of them. 

& even on my weakest days...

I get a little bit stronger.

Or at least tell myself to do so

It's been one of those days. UPS and downs. Curveballs thrown from within my heart. Have you ever felt unsure of where to turn, what to say, or how to act?

That's where I've been, still am most days. I want to prove that I am O.K. & I will...just maybe not today. 

Today:

All I want for Christmas is You

I'm having boot fever. I want a pair so so bad!

 Along with this Vince Camuto Crossbody--adorable.

I am having mixed feelings about traveling home next thursday and staying there for a month.

Plus side--my lovely and amazing family and true friends

Down side--ughhh, don't even want to think about it.

Another plus is the workouts I'll hopefully get while practicing with my sister's ball team--the gym is becoming my safe haven, in a healthy way of course!

Oh and most definitely looking forward to a ride on Doc:

& sledding with the cousins of all ages!

...If only I had this sled!

U-G-L-Y

you ain't got no alibi you ugly! yah! yah! you ugly!

Basketball theme night - Ugly Sweaters

Take a gander at these sweater treasures.  I truly wanted to be the cat woman but figured the Holiday spirit was the way to go. Such a fun night!

& WE ROCKED IT 

Summer Funk

This is a shoutout for a friend. She lives in Grand Forks and hates winter--God help her. Hoping to brighten her day and warm her toes with this picture   <3

I Love Love Love out family lake cabin. It is the perfect escape from everything, anything & anyone.



m-i-l-e-s-t-o-n-e

For the first time in close to three months I didn't wake up in the middle of the night due to shitty dreams or you could call em nightmares.

It was complete bliss to wake up to the white light coming through the blinds instead of darkness. I know it was only one night, but hey its a start...right? 

Maybe in the end it is true--maybe darkness is afraid of the light.  In my case, I damn well hope so. 

..because I'm tired of it 

Rising With The Sun

This past summer I, for the life of me, could not sleep. Sooo--I took pictures of every stage of the rising sun.  It was breathtaking to see God's hand at work.  This is one of the last pictures I took before going in to take a much needed nap. I am ready for those carefree summer days to be back. Oh dear sun come back to us.



OTH

"Happiness is a Mood,

Not a Destination"

-Julian of One Tree Hill

How true is that?  Why keep searching for that one person, thing or idea that will make you happy when truthfully happiness is only a mood.  Do we need to have a goal to be happy?  Everyone has their shitty days & that is the way it is supposed to be.  But just remember...be thankful for what you have, not what could be.  Because, what if the could be never will be?

Looking Ahead ---->

I am facing the world alone--

--well minus amazing family and my 'always-got-your-back' friends

Damn. I. Love. Them.

Give Thanks

I used to take so many people and material things for granted. I am steadily falling out of that realm.

I no longer take love for granted but rather strive to divvy it out to others & not take offense if none is returned.

My family is a prized possession, I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner.

Friends are the bread & butter of life-I have no idea where I'd be without them.

This Thursday my Grandma held a Thanksgiving feast at her house. It was chaotic and calming all at once-it was incredible. I played with my 3 & 4 year old cousins for hours.  They taught me more about laughing than I have done in a couple months. I love them to pieces. The food was to die for with plenty of leftovers of course! And the family was the best healing I could ever recieve. With all that said I cannot wait for Christmas!

Perfect get-away.....now if only i had a teepee and a Mac.

                                                             (hint,hint)

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
 to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror
Sit. Feast on your life.

--Derek Walcott

The words and ideas found while reading is endless. ahhhh....Soak it up. I am.

Early Resolutions

*I never resort to name calling, but this is one exception.

Runnin'

I've started a new kick. Wish I had man's best friend to run with. That'd be heaven.

Now all I want for Christmas is....







wayy better than any man : )

Today

I'm finally realizing how much more I deserve for myself.

You have broken me down but I'm sure as hell not staying there.

One day you'll realize the friend you, yourself, decided to get rid of.

As of right now I'm starting to sing for me.

That day is today.



iffy day

HIGH POINT:  NEW HAIR COLOR!

LOW POINT:  you don't need to hear it.

THE BEST POINT:

Had a great conversation with my hairsylist, doesn't that always seem to happen? She is a very strong woman. Three kids the oldest 15 and youngest being 5.  She always puts them first even before her "piece of work" boyfriend.  Damn I like her thinking. She has her priorities in line. That's what I am beginning to do as well. And it makes me feel a hell of alot better about myself. 

Zzzz...

I feel like sleeping for days. End of story. 

i miss this.

So instead maybe.....

Perfectly Me.

I'm not having the most creative night. But this little excerpt made me feel better. Try not to judge yourself--

it makes things harder, at least in my case.

you're gonna miss this Heart of Gold

Today was a trial

I realized that you think you're doing the right thing. & that it still hurts.
I also realized that I am maybe stronger than I think I am. & that feels empowering.

you're going to miss this

yeah, you're gonna miss this face

gonna miss these kisses

who am i to tell you what to do

you're not the type to do what you're told

but let me tell you, you're gonna miss this heart of gold

--Ashlyne Huff

These are some powerful words and tonight I'm singing them loud and clear.



three hundred sixty-five

Another year has come and gone since the day my wonderful/beautiful/loving/amazing MOM decided to go through the pain of having a child. I am so greatful for her and owe her everything!

Today had its UPS & downs.

• The up being that I had an awesome friend's (MCKI) mom cook me a birthday supper and then surprise me with one of my other amazing friends (EMILY) while there. She showed up with a bouquet of flowers-just for me.
• The down-wishing I could have had my day with you & then wondering if you even cared. that sucked.

Through it all I'm still here. I did it.

Now to show you what fun I had on Wednesday with some of my girls. : )

Ahh ...a group of my saving graces. I'll never take any of you for granted!

Texas Roadhouse got to hear a chorus of YEEHAWSS from our table! 

I am going to smile. I am going to love. I am going to live. 

Hurts & Heals

Love can make you feel like you're flying high,

Then just like that you're flat on your face wondering why.

In the end you know you'll be ok,

Yet there is so much more you want to change.

Time will show that love can heal. Already I've felt it through the helping hands & hearts of my friends and family.  Whether they are right next door, on the eastern/western North Dakota border, I know they are and will be here for me and I for them. That's what heals the heart.

BIRTHDAY SUPPER!

Texas Roadhouse is going to get a taste of me and a couple of my Girls tonight.

It will be alot laughter & smiles & talking about life.

I CAN'T WAIT

I'll update you on the fun we had later :D

My Hands

 

love, Love, LOVE this song.

(Hands by Jewel)

If I could tell the world just one thing

It would be that we're all OK

And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful

And useless in times like these

I won't be made useless

I won't be idle with despair

I will gather myself around my faith

For light does the darkness most fear

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes

It didn't steal your laughter

And heartache came to visit me

But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite

For someone must stand up for what's right

'Cause where there's a man who has no voice

There ours shall go singing

My hands are small I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

I am never broken

In the end only kindness matters

In the end only kindness matters

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray

My hands are small I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

My hands are small I know

But they're not yours, they are my own

But they're not yours, they are my own

And I am never broken

We are never broken

We are God's eyes

God's hands

God's mind

We are God's eyes

God's hands

God's heart

We are God's eyes

God's hands

God's eyes

We are God's hands

We are God's hands

More than anything I'm beginning to realize that I must live and love for myself.

That to WORRY is overrated.

Trust in the BIG MAN, he knows what He's doing

And that going out and being with family and friends is the BEST heartbreak medicine one could ever ask for.

A New Start

Today:

• I resolved personal conflict.
• I made plans to be bold, outgoing & independent
• I told alot of my friends and family I love them
• I told myself to KNOCK'EM DEAD
• I vowed to be myself
• I realized that I will be ok

Picking Up the Pieces

The past few weeks have been a whilrwind of emotions.  I'm learning how to lean on my FAMILY and my FRIENDS.  Very different compared to the last two years.

I don't know where to start again. How to feel. This is a whole different ballgame for me, and I'm not used to playing. 

• To watch you walk away or to fight for our existence.

                 That truly is the ultimate question right now.  Either way could I can end up loosing you.  This is the hardest decision.

It will make me STRONGER.